


And now the 5 Acts of Hamlet, the Mad Prince of Denmark, and his rendition of the Cell Block Tango

by Lynette_TheMadScientist



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Gen, Song: Cell Block Tango (Chicago)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29555676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynette_TheMadScientist/pseuds/Lynette_TheMadScientist
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. This is my version of the Cell Block Tango as sung by Hamlet.Originally posted Sept 7th 2020.
Kudos: 4





	And now the 5 Acts of Hamlet, the Mad Prince of Denmark, and his rendition of the Cell Block Tango

ALL HAMLETS:  
He had it comin  
He had it comin  
He only had himself to blame  
If you’d’ve been there  
If you’d’ve seen it  
I betcha you would’ve done the same

ACT 3 SCENE 4 HAMLET:  
You know how people have these little habits that get you down?  
Like…Polonius  
Polonius liked to snoop around – no not snoop – spy  
So I was talking to my mother in her closet, speaking daggers to her but using none  
And there’s Polonius, behind the arras, crying out for help and snooping – no not snooping – spying  
And so I said to him, I said: “How now? A rat”  
And there was. So I took my rapier from its sheath and stabbed through the curtain  
Dead for a ducat, dead

ALL HAMLETS:  
He had it comin  
He had it comin  
He was a foolish prating knave  
If you’d’ve been there  
If you’d’ve heard it  
I betcha you would’ve done the same

ACT 3 SCENE 1 HAMLET:  
I met Ophelia in Elsinore about two years ago  
I could see she was fair, and we hit it off right away  
So I started sending her letters  
“Doubt stars are fire  
Doubt the sun move  
Doubt truth be liar  
Never doubt I love”  
And then I found out.  
Honest she told me  
Never believe it!  
Not only did she return my remembrances, she conspired with my incestuous uncle and her foolish father to spy on me  
So while I was in the lobby I confronted her, I told her to get herself to a nunnery  
You know, some girls just can’t handle rejection

ALL HAMLETS:  
She had it comin  
She had it comin  
She was a heartless columbine  
Because she used me, and she abused me  
But was it madness or suicide?

ACT 2 SCENE 2 HAMLET:  
Now I’m moping around the castle, reading some old book, minding my own business, when in comes Rosencrantz and Guildenstern  
“Were you not sent for?” I said. They were deceiving me! So I kept insisting, “If you love me, hold not off”  
ACT 5 SCENE 2 HAMLET:  
They are not near my conscience  
Their defeat does by their own insinuation grow

ALL HAMLETS:  
If you’d’ve been there  
If you’d’ve seen it  
I betcha you would’ve done the same

ACT 5 SCENE 2 HAMLET  
That bloody, bawdy villain  
Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain  
Mine uncle  
He killed my father, whored my mother, took my crown  
He even tried to send me away to England to have my head struck off ere they grind the axe  
My father’s ghost bade me to revenge his foul and most unnatural murder…

ACT 2 SCENE 2 HAMLET:  
Yes, but did you do’t?

ACT 5 SCENE 2 HAMLET:  
Well, eventually

ACT 5 SCENE 1 HAMLET  
My friend, Horatio and I were hanging out in the graveyard  
Having a little banter with a gravedigger  
Now, we were near the last Scene in the final Act, and I was feeling my mortality  
As I held the skull of poor Yorick, I pondered the inevitable fate of Man with my long-suffering companion  
And just then a funeral procession came upon us  
“Soft a while,” I said as we hid ourselves and watched the maimed rites  
I noted that the corpse did fordo its own life and was of some estate  
What? The fair Ophelia?  
And there’s Laertes leaping into my lover’s grave – outfacing me  
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can’t remember a thing  
It wasn’t until later, when I was preparing for a duel with Laertes, I realized I leapt in there with him

ALL HAMLETS:  
He had it comin  
He had it comin  
He had it comin all along  
I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

He had it comin  
He had it comin  
He had it comin all along  
(Pardon me, sir, I’ve done you wrong)  
I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it  
(I am but punished, with sore distraction)  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

HAMLET:  
I loathe myself more than I can possibly say  
My father was a paragon of man, Hyperion, now a ghost  
I swore for him a swift revenge  
But by some craven scruple I lapsed  
And in my dullness  
Sent poor Polonius and Ophelia to their graves  
I guess you could say I failed in every possible way  
My life isn’t worth a pin’s fee  
I’m better off dead

ALL HAMLETS:  
A peasant slave, slave, slave, slave, slave!  
A peasant slave, slave, slave, slave, slave!

I had it comin  
I had it comin  
I had it comin all along  
I feel the augur  
Yet I defy it  
I say the readiness is all

We had it comin  
We had it comin  
We only have ourselves to blame  
If you’d’ve been there  
If you’d’ve seen it  
I betcha you would’ve done the same


End file.
